The Princess Chronicles

on falling apart and finding myself…                                                                                                       

        i take comfort in the fact that i can be alone with myself. but still there are times that i dread being alone. maybe because i have to face questions at the back of my mind and start searching for answers i don’t even know where to start looking for. questions that haunt me are often the same questions that most people ask. who am i? where am i headed? am i living the life i want? and so on…a friend once told me that the essence of life is finding your balance. before finding this balance there are choices that i had to make regardless of the consequences or the outcome. sometimes you really have to make a choice, and then there are times when you really have no choice at all that suddenly you find yourself in a deep mess—that is your life.

        i’d like to think that i have at least tried to live my life the best way that i could. i was not afraid to try and experience new things and meet different people. on the other hand, by trying out different things, i gave up some things that marked who i am. things change, people change and looking back, i realized just how much things and situations have changed me. i just don’t know what my capacity is for transforming myself. sometimes it’s easier to fall apart than to stand firm. it’s easier to just simply fall into the moment and not worry about anything else. and since i am this overly spontaneous stubborn girl, most, if not all the time i get too caught up and lost in it all that sometimes i emerge into the surface not as a better person. the whole idea behind living life to the fullest to find oneself no longer appealed to me because i am now more lost than ever. i thought i knew what i wanted and needed but now i admit i don’t know anything at all. i’m just another lost soul trying to make sense of everything. it’s never easy finding oneself.

        i remember a certain saying telling the person to take the plunge of life with your whole being. my own version of that– As much as I would like to jump, maybe for now it’s better to wait for someone to push me over the edge.

        i feel bad about myself, hysterical about my driving experience and miserable for my suv! damn it! it hasn’t been two months since i ran into an accident and here i am again angry (so angry, that I wanna hurt that driver so bad), agitated (because I cannot imagine how my parents would react), harassed (my allowance will be the one bleeding for justice!)… and stupid. why? because when accidents like this happen the only thing this jeepney drivers can do is scratch their head in disbelief and tell you they were awfully sorry and if i am the good hearted person that i am, i wouldn’t take the money which was supposedly for his family’s supper. for cases like this, i’d rather be a weed.

        help me get over this… DO YOU HAVE AN UNFORGETTABLE JEEPNEY EXPERIENCE? Whether you’re driving, commuting or crossing the street. It doesn’t have to be a near death experience but hey… it will make me feel good knowing I am not alone in the world… ;p

        someday, i would like to be able to ask all the passionate poets, the gifted writers, all those wonderful creative artists who draw inspiration out of thin air, what it is that drives them, what it is that pushes them to create, to give birth to life in words, in pictures, in sculpture, in music, in all those majestic, magical, enchanting, puzzling, works that my brain strives to comprehend.

        all these things move me with their mystic beauty. how is it possible that one note so rightly played can bring tears to the back of my eyelids, how is it that one word written or said at just that moment is capable of capturing my loyalty forever, and things like photographs and works of art, all these spontaneous expressions of the soul, they move me so much…
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what moves you? i want to ask. where do you find your muse? or are you like me, constantly seeking, constantly struggling, always there in the midst of the stride, observing the conflict, soaking it up…

This has got to be one of the cleverest E-mails I’ve received in awhile. Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.

DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER: When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER

DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES: When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE: When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS: When you rearrange the letters: LIES - LET’S RECOUNT

MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER

SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z ‘S

A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA: When you rearrange the letters (With no letters left over and using each letter only once): TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS

        i got this information from the seminar i attended last saturday on the practice of pediatric nursing in america. they showed disturbing pictures of the slums here in the philippines, but what i’m mostly concerned about are the filipino children who are malnourished, sick, homeless and uncared for… and i can’t help but wonder why only a third of the earth’s nations are rich countries, the rest are poor. talk about an unequal distribution of wealth. poverty, it’s a very controversial issue.

         on the tube, children talk about a ‘poverty’ that they cannot yet begin to understand. how do you explain poverty to those persons who have always had the luxury of running water, to those who have never had to worry about not being able to go to the doctor or not being able to buy necessary medications? how does one begin to portray a ‘poverty’ that knows children curling up into sleep in order to deny the rumblings of their empty stomachs?

        to allow the youth to recognize that there are people on another continent, in another world who go without shoes all year, and who have to beg for their bread, is surely an action worthy of emulation. perhaps the key towards the eradication of poverty lies in awakening the consciousness of the young, in touching these young minds and making them aware of the disparity, the social and economic inequality that exists, between the first world nations and the nations of the third world.

        i try to imagine, what progress this country would make if instead of letting the poor bear the brunt of economic depression, the rich came forward to help shoulder this burden. the picture is enough to blow my mind.

        perhaps, if we learned to look at things in the light of eternity, perhaps then the value that we place on our possessions and our properties will change.
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        I do recognize that this cure seems so simplistic. In the end, it will take a lot more than this to overcome poverty. I suppose that it has always been a problem and will continue to remain a problem. In the ideal world, there would be no poor, there would be no children going to bed hungry, there would be no child robbed of education or of his dreams or of his future. In the ideal world, everyone would have the same chances, the same privileges, the same opportunities. The problem is we don’t live in an ideal world. We just have to accept that we live in a flawed world and we have to learn to live in it together.

        on any given day, ask me anything about me, my life… anything, and i will be able to say something. i have always took it upon myself to get to know me pretty well so much so that i know my dreams, my strengths, and my weaknesses like the back of my hand. and yet, there are times when i feel like i don’t. things change and people adapt to that change. the future is nothing but a gray area. one can only dream or see a glimpse of it. someone once told me that in order to see your future, you must look at your present and the key to your present state is looking at your past… it’s not easy, it will never be.

        i know that i have changed a lot and have been transformed by the people around me. now that an uncertain future lies before my eyes, i realized that i am lost. the only thing i’m certain is my will to survive in the midst of chaos.

help me survive…