The Princess Chronicles

a queer friendly entry,

so for the cattier tongues stop reading here!

       i watched "Brokeback Mountain" and honestly speaking aside from the sordid guy to guy action, the film as a whole is surprisingly remarkable and heartbreaking. it’s a love story unlike any other—why? ‘cos it showcased true love shared between two gorgeous MEN!

       i thought their story was complicated, sad, beautiful and most of all– REAL. it was so heartbreaking to see Ennis (Heath Ledger) hiding his mourning at the end of the movie. in so-called "normal" a.k.a straight relationships, we are allowed to cry, mourn, feel bad, get depressed and openly talk about our feelings but he couldn’t. and to this day, although more widely accepted, gay relationships are seen by many as some sort of novelty, like how they feel towards each other isn’t on the same level as what straight people have. or worse, they’re seen as people who are morally wrong and having no right to share that kind of love, you know the kind shared by a man and a woman. it isn’t uncommon to see a gay couple walk by and have people whisper and giggle behind their backs. sure, you may say that you are cool with them but it doesn’t stop you from blurting out comments like "ay bakla o hehehe…" or "lesbians yan noh?" or “sila?!?” with accompanying gestures and expressions of disgust; “tsk! he’s such a lost!/ang ganda pa naman niya!” i mean honestly, does it really matter?!

        well for me, i guess it never really mattered. if you love someone, you love someone! sure you have a choice: you can walk away from it, hide it or embrace it. but whatever you decide doesn’t change the way you feel about that person. and what i saw between Jack Twist (Jake Gyllenhaal) and Ennis del Mar in "Brokeback Mountain" was more sincere and real than many straight relationships i’ve seen in my life.  and i have a lot of friends who are soo like them, and believe it or not they got something “normal” relationships lack… REAL AND UNCONDITIONAL LOVE!

        this movie shows us that we waste so much time thinking about our fears, issues and hang-ups that we can’t fully enjoy, appreciate and be completely present in our relationships, then when the person isn’t there anymore, you start wishing you did things differently. in the words of Joni Mitchell… "don’t it always seem to go, that you don’t know what you got til it’s gone…."

..:: mood inspired by parokya ni edgar’s this guy’s inluv with u pare ::..

         it seems that everyone has their own little horror story to tell about Eurostar Carnival at the fort. so having convinced my friends to finally see what all the fuss was about, we rushed to taguig after class on an empty stomach, having learned from my first visit to NEVER ever go there when you’ve just had a nice dinner and a glass of sangria.

        we were so thrilled seeing the lovely lights and the seemingly harmless rides from the bridge upon entering the fort. as soon as we parked, we ran in, excited for fun and adrenaline rush.

—

suddenly, memories of my first visit started pouring in… it was completely unplanned ergo the dinner, dress, make-up, the heels were all out of place, sof and i were cold sweating and nauseated after riding ranger and the giant wheels. (this is so not me!) i remember the white guy who was operating it tripping on me, sof and chella… spinning us every time we’d pass him. not once, not twice but three times…so you can imagine how fast we were going on the ascent. i was sweating profusely and in panic mode for a while, which is so weird because i used to live for THE adrenaline rush but now…it was like i was half panicking and half laughing so i wouldn’t feel sick. yes–on a friggin’ ferris wheel. i know what you’re thinking; i’m ANCIENT! apart from all these, i was beaten black and blue riding “FLIPPER,” which i thought would be like the teacup ride in D.i.s.n.e.y.l.a.n.d. haay, i’m getting old!

—

        so back to the latest trip (the one where i came prepared! haha!) we got on our first ride BOOSTER thinking it would be a nice sneak preview of what’s to happen next. and boy, was i having fun! i screamed like mad because there was a part of the spin wherein we get to be tossed while hanging upside down… talk about a starter course for the evening… aha! (good thing i’m so in the mood for all this!)

        to calm our nerves they all decided to finally ride the GIANT WHEELS (emphasis on the THEY). believe it or not, before seating down on one of the booths i pleaded for them (the staff) not to trip on us and just let us enjoy the ride, with a hint of resentment telling them that my first time on that ride caused us to abruptly end a supposedly girl’s night out! and thank god… they didn’t even try! yey…

        i gathered enough strength to finally try G-FORCE, i psyched myself that the night won’t end without me ever getting on that death-defying and towering ride! and man, was it a-ok! i mean it wasn’t even that scary (sorry, that’s the amygdala of my brain favoring the pleasure response over fear!).
 

        RANGER the boat thing that goes around in circles, was a blast as well. i thought i was goina fall from my seat while hanging in there… come to think of it  we were upside down for almost a minute-the operators were trippin’ on us again! bastos!

         so as i wanted, the night ended with my head still held high and my sweat glands in sync, and my pride screaming “hell yeah, i survived all those perilous rides, and i’m not missing any limbs, not even a strand of hair! i’m alive!”

        it has been two days since the ordeal and i still feel like someone just beat me up with a baseball bat. haay life.. you have to learn how to take the good with the bad.

        so if you guys decide to go there, here’s a little reminder: do not, i repeat, do NOT be fooled by the seemingly innocent rides. the blinking lights may be pretty, but take them as harbingers of impending doom. all the rides are terrifying and merciless, yes, even the ferris wheel. this is coming from someone who has never known fear of any ride… but it’s all worth it, the fear equates with the fun and adrenaline rush after each ride. nonetheless, goodluck! and one word to describe this carnival: malupet! (sh*t! i sounded like a true blooded jologs, just saying it!) hahaha

..:: mood inspired by james brown’s i feel good ::..

a post-valentines day entry:

my own version of DUALITIES OF OCCASION

often times, it feels like i know you to every last detail.
but sometimes, it feels like i don’t know you at all.

often times, i feel like you’re the only one for me.
but sometimes, i can see i’m not the only one for you.

often times, the mere thought of you makes me smile.
but sometimes, the mere thought of you frustrates me to no end.

often times, i hardly think of you at all.
but sometimes, when the night is deathly quiet, you’re all i can think of.

often times, you make me want to be a better person, to be more worthy.
but sometimes, i feel like you have a long way to go as well, maybe longer than i.

often times, i love you like a friend loves another.
but sometimes, i love you more than any person has a right to love another.

 &nbsp ..:: mood inspired by al green’s let’s stay together ::..

the only thing constant in this world is change…

        its meaning, simple. its consequence, boundless. it means that life isn’t going to be the same. that tomorrow is not going to be the same today or the day after.

        i find myself thinking about change lately. when i do, i think back to times before. it’s amazing how much you think about the past when the present begins to crumble. the precipice of change is never-ending, always consuming and keeps you retrospecting when the darkness begins to engulf you.

        such is one’s emancipation, not only from his womb, but from the world. like a butterfly spreading its wings for the first time after its liberation from its cocoon… and change is the catalyst. change makes it happen. change allows us to become who we are now.

        but the better question is: what have i changed into?

        now, that is the question worth exploring.

    ..:: mood inspired by eric clapton’s change the world ::..

        my heart just really drowned in a pool of sadness when i heard about the stampede incident. i really want to write about it, despite my lack of time. i have extreme guilt soaped all over my entire being while i was watching the coverage of the supposed first year anniversary celebration of wowowee turned tragedy – my life with all of its few blessings (which i often take for granted) compared to the victims who most likely used up all their savings or perhaps borrowed some money to buy one-way tickets to manila hoping to bring home some cash. unfortunately, now they have no money to fend for themselves and for the 79, no more lives to live, leaving their families all the more poorer.

        i read a relevant article about the world’s deadliest stampedes in the past 2 decades. most of the reasons for these stampedes were religious fanaticism and sports. none about poverty-compelled mass hysteria.

        there are just so many angles from which to speak about it. there were talks about security issues; undying rating wars – noontime shows preying on the desperate with their glitzy promises of “helping the poor” and “making them happy”; and there was the poverty issue. it’s alarming to see that a large number of people are placing their hopes for a better future on the refulgent promises of their celebrity idols.it got me thinking… how poor are we to run like animals to get a chance to have a little cash, desperate needs, calls for desperate measures… is that how pathetic we Filipinos are???

        these are just some of the musings i ended up with. we really cannot point fingers at anybody right now – whose fault is it anyway?! i really don’t know. maybe it’s ABS CBN’s fault – failure to foresee all these; maybe it’s the people’s fault – they were the one pushing and shoving their way into the stadium anyway… i don’t know, maybe it’s everyone’s fault: the media, the government, the society, the generation before us, and the generation before that. we all created this situation, putting noontime shows on the pedestal because “they help the poor.” then again, is this how you help the poor? take advantage of their poverty; with the underlying goal of becoming the number one most watched noontime show. however, giving the kapamilya network the benefit of the doubt, they really help a lot of people everyday. giving as much as one thousand bucks per contestant. and concept-wise it’s touching to see the balikbayan’s generosity towards the less fortunate.

        i just don’t know how to react, what to feel, whom to blame… it’s just sad. I hope that we Filipinos learned from this incident. Let us all pray for solace for those who are injured and strength for the families of those who have passed.

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this is by far my favorite article from the papers, nobody could have said it better:

There’s The Rub : Tragedy

First posted 11:42pm (Mla time) Feb 05, 2006
By Conrado de Quiros
Inquirer

click here for the original link of this article

Editor’s Note: Published on page A14 of the February 6, 2006 issue of the Philippine Daily Inquirer

IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN A SCENE STRAIGHT from a war, a killer earthquake, or a landslide in a far-flung corner of the country. Men and women wailing and sending their lamentations to the heavens. The stench of death hovering over litter and debris. The casualty rate staggeringly high, and counting. But it wasn’t a war or an earthquake or a landslide. And it wasn’t in a place God forgot and was remembered by media only because of the pain and anguish that now emanated from it.

It was the disaster at Ultra last Saturday. Like many Filipinos, I woke up with a jolt last Saturday morning from TV sets blaring in the neighborhood, delivering the shocking news that 60 people-at the time I heard it; the number would climb steadily as the hours went by-had died from a stampede. A throng had jostled and pushed, eventually sparking a riot that claimed the lives of that many people, most of them women and children. People would later tearfully recount how their children were torn off from their grasp by the sheer force of the melee. I will not go into the more gruesome details as TV was full of them last Saturday. Many issued calls to their loved ones, promising to wait at the gate for them till they came. Your mind reeled at the thought they might be addressing kids that would never come back to them. That they would never see again.

Most of those who had gone there and who now issued those tearful calls had one thing in common. They were poor. Their faces bore years of toil and frustration, arduous work and tenuous hope. They came from as far as Cavite and Calamba, Bulacan and Pampanga. Some came farther, from the Visayas. All had gone there in anticipation of coming home with some cash. The show had been showering its audience with money, and money was the one thing they needed badly. And it was the show’s anniversary, promising boundless bounties for those who would be lucky enough to get them. Who knows? Maybe they would be lucky that day.

They were not. You did not know who was the more unlucky, those who were trodden underfoot or those who lived to see the lifeless bodies of their children.

I have an idea of the horror of the event. In 2000, my boy, who was 12 years old at the time, and I went to Naga to attend the centennial celebrations of the Peñafrancia fiesta. It drew a record attendance of devotees, the entire centro packed with sweaty bodies. At one point, a crowd surged toward us as we were walking on a sidewalk, and it was all I could do to shield my son from the crush of bodies that fell upon us. I could feel a huge force pressing on my back as I pushed back, my hands to the wall. Terror and panic welled up inside me and I was monumentally thankful it lasted for only a few minutes. That image flashed in my brain last Saturday. I multiplied what I had felt a thousand times, and I imagined that was how the victims must have felt.

I’ve seen tragedies like this before but none so telling about the state of the nation or the plight of the Filipino today than this one. I guess the one that comes closest to the sense of shock Metro Manilans felt was the fire at the Ozone Disco more than a decade ago. It shared in the same spirit of something joyous that turned into bitter tragedy. I do not now recall how many scores of people died there. I do recall that the disco was full of kids who had gone there to celebrate their graduation. A faulty wiring sent sparks flying and soon the place was engulfed in fire. Lacking any safety measures, the place became a death trap. Scores died from the smoke, from being trampled upon, and from being burned to death.

Last Saturday’s disaster shares another thing with the Ozone Disco fire, which is that it was completely preventable. The people responsible for the show cannot escape blame for what has happened. True, the crowd was to blame too for shoving and pushing. True, the crowd was to blame too for preventing the ambulances from reaching the victims on time. True, the crowd was to blame too for lacking discipline and sobriety. But you know that crowds in this country are like that. You know a crowd that enormous and the prospect of gain for the few that are lucky enough to get in are a combustible mix. And you just leave things well enough alone? And you do not take measures to ensure some order in the chaos, some method in the madness? And you just say at the end of the day we did not want this to happen, we grieve with the victims’ kin?

But as many Filipinos know by now-courtesy of the text messages that flew thick and fast after the event-the real culprit in this disaster is poverty. A friend of mine put it this way, "Grabe pare, the only things that are keeping the poor going these days are luck and alms." That sounds even more plaintive in Tagalog. Another said the tragedy showed the true face of the economy. It is not 51 to 1, which is the conversion rate of the peso, it is 74 to 1, the conversion rate of lives to survival.

What can I say? I agree completely. What differentiates the tragedy last Saturday with the ones that came before it is that people went there out of dire straits, out of desperation, out of need to make some money. And they pushed and shoved and trampled with a ferocity reserved only for their life-and-death struggles. Kapit sa patalim. Surviving by the skin of your teeth. At least the victims of the collapse of the Colgante Bridge in Naga were there to show religious devotion to their Ina. At least the fans that were stampeded to death at Amoranto were there to show devotion to their rock gods. The children, women and men who were crushed to death at Ultra were there to cling to life. They were there trusting in God, luck and gratuity.

That is the greatest tragedy of all.